This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
R.I.P.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.