If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
You Might Also Like
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
This will forever be the funniest thing I鈥檝e seen
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they鈥檙e not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 馃ゲ
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that鈥檚 the dumbest shit i鈥檝e ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it鈥檚 hereditary.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella