whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
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ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
#TopTip
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”