“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
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ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]