I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
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To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.