*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
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It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Happy thanksgiving
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.