Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
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-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver