ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.