My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
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Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
was Jim off killing horses or…
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.