I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
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You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.