“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
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In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Realize this:
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.