A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
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I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
#DesignFail
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.