Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
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*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My blood type is b hungry.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.