My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
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*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Anime is real
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display