People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
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My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Yoga Matt
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Running from your problems is cardio .