guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
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If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED