Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
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If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE