teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
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In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
everyone has that one prude friend
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.