When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
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Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Life hack
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.