If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
You Might Also Like
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that