*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
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Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying