[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
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Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
This was a bad idea all around
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.