please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
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“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?