No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
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Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
This classic never gets old . . .
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*