Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
You Might Also Like
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF