Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
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Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.