Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
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It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
pictures of spider-man
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho