Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
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I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Tell the colonel to bring it
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.