Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
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Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!