I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
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Damn what did I do next
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Yup
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike