Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
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Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Bootstraps
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.