I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
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girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I feel it
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Get in loser we’re going crying
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates