We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
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the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.