Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
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Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake