When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
This is not me but this is me
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do