📽️movie date🎞️
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I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
can’t talk my ride’s here
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?