They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
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I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”