I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
my nickname in college
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it