90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
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Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.