Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
cause of death:
autopsy.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box