Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
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Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Breaking news:
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.