Golf would be better with landmines.
You Might Also Like
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
any last words?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers