I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
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A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I’m going to need a moment here.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want