Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
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but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂