Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
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I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
My typo game is string.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
me doing my best
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
just left a huge legacy in there
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.