the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
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Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester