In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
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“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
*me flirting
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Pot warmers of the day.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!