It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
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Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
There is wisdom there.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house