[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.