Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
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I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER